Rinshay
o_O |
|
My Crap Corner
Entries for March, 2008
sloth
Rasenye lupekan je la pasal Dani nak datang Malaysia tu.. Aku ingatkan btul la macam dia cakap, dia akan datang dalam mase kurang dari 2 bulan. Tapi dia still kat sane, tak sampai sini lagipon. Bile suh carik keje, dia slothing je..
Pastu tetibe dia kate mak bapak dia nak kasik pinjam duit. Ntah btul ntah tak. Kang tetibe parents dia ubah fikiran, dia still takde duit gak, keje taknak gi carik, lagi suke tido ngan main game je kat umah.
Aku rase lupekan je la. Aku malas nak letak harapan lagi kat dia. Balik² kitorang gado pasal ni. Bohsan abes.
Biar je la dia nak wat pape yang dia suke. Kalo ade jodoh, tak ke mane.
Currently feeling: blah
| March 5, 2008 @ 06:49 AM | Add a Comment |
How come I hate this feeling so much >_<
I want him but where is he? >_<
That night I had a dream of Squall. Prolly I was missing him? But I did feel like I missed him when I woke up.
The dream was the same thing we talked in real life for like 2 years ago. “Living alone is hard, Rin. Especially for a girl like you. I don’t suggest you move out cuz I don’t wanna make you go thru what I have to go thru. It’s not because I’m acting like a dad to you, but I care.”
More like inside, he was saying, “Why don’t you let me in? I would protect you.”
No. I’m waiting for someone else.
I don’t like uncertainty. I don’t like gambling with a relationship I don’t wish to happen, and still hurts in the end.
I’d rather be with someone I truly love.
Mom talked again about having a steady bf… and mentioning Adri. Ouch.
For now I could just scowl.
I DON’T WANNA MARRY ADRI!!!
This time it just hurts. I don’t feel sad anymore, or angry. It’s more like a cut, and it’s the deepest. I just wanted some time alone.
Tho at the same time I wish I could hold Dani.. but he’s not here yet. Sometimes now I even hope I could leave this country. But.. would other people be nice to me and gimme me a job like Malaysians would?
While I was feeling proud being a citizen here cuz my nature is built here (tho most people don’t remember their roots anymore), Malays lost big time to Chinese >_<. There was an election for state government on March 8th ’08 and I didn’t vote, Taiping is now ruled by a Chinese.
So is the whole state. And
Like half of the country is under Chinese now. But.. I don’t mind much actually. It’s good to have some fresh ideas by new people for country development. And yea, less Malay-ish society.
But I had this fear I wasn’t sure of. Fear of changes? Change to better or worse??
“Sya…” Darick came with an umbrella. “Don’t get sick.”
I looked up to the sky. It was already raining. “Thanks.”
“Just be careful,” said Darick. “And even if this town could be
“I wish Dani is here.”
“He should be proud. You’re a great Malay girl.”
“My parents.. they don’t think like that.”
“How you know? They won’t say it, but they show it.”
And going home hoping I could find Dani.. but wtf internet was down. I tried to connect til midnight. I just had to call the customer service and they said they’re sending a technician within 2 working days.
Prolly when it was raining, I didn’t unplug the modem? Or as they said, someone cut the internet cables out there to show protest over the election results.
I miss Dani so much.. I just had to write this on MS Word cuz it already hurts…
It’s killing me >_< I wish I don’t have to sms him so much cuz I’d miss him so much more. But..
But I’m aware that Dani would think I don’t want him anymore. If only he knows what I feel now… I wanna drag him with me and go hide in a cave, with Luna, til I feel ready to see people outside.
I’m not ready.. >_< I can’t even speak nicely to my parents til mom threw this uhh steel stuff, prolly a frying pan and hit my head cuz she was angry. Making me feel like wanna leave this country. Leave so I don’t have to see these people anymore. I just don’t wanna see them actually, but now they’re coming every weekend with cats that like making the house dirty.
If they want me married, I 10 times wish I’m married. So I don’t have to be pestered by parents every weekend.
If they want me getting a job that I stick to it, yes, I’m working on it. I told them my dream is being an artist. And I don’t wanna quit trying.
But right now this Astro job is killing me >_<. If rm450 is the monthly pay, rm300 is how much I need to pay for transportation and cellphone. I’m tired >_<. Even working 24/7 won’t worth it. Some more it’s not even something I enjoy doing.
Yea yea I should have joined politics like years ago. Now I could have been competing in the election. But but…
But I wanna be happy.. is that so wrong? >_<
I’ll still serve my country without being an important person. At the same time, I’ll make a living doing something I truly love, or be with my dream guy like Dani >_<
How come parents like bringing up things in the past and blame their kids for whatever failures that happen to them in present?
Why not instead of saying ‘I told you so’, just hold them and tell them not to be afraid..?
And I have only Dani for that. How sad..
And it hurts so much cuz I wish to tell him all this but no internet at the moment >_<
Luna understands. She never leaves my side these few days. She knows I need someone to hold me. And she can. She can curl on my legs at night when I feel cold. And whenever I feel like crying, she can put her soft paw on my cheek.
And time melts into nothing.. and nothing changes.. still same nagging parents, still same loneliness..
Omg Dani it really hurts >_<
Can you come now..?
Sigh..
I go finish my portfolio then..
(Written on 9th March 08, 8:29PM, during internet breakdown)
| March 10, 2008 @ 10:11 PM | Add a Comment |
I don't even feel like telling my parents that I changed job. But I'll tell Dani later when he's awake.
I'll be working part-time as a store helper, checking the inventory and stuff in a sports supplies shop. I get rm15 per day (since I requested to be paid daily). Better than uncertain of what I earn per day but already certain of how much I spend per day. Astro job is killing me.
It's a good job, good pay, but since I'm jobless and still under training, paid with commission, no basic salary yet.. it's hard. I just had to quit. Btw hey! I'm not a quitter!
Well this store helper job.. I already get a day off every Sunday. And then need to reach there by 10.30am, and can go home by 6 - 6.30pm, just nice. It could be tiring, I just need to try it out and get used to it. I could be tired, but I still get paid, right? Unlike being tired and not sure gonna get money or not.. -_-
So this is the job I'll be doing while waiting for any interviews from the government sector (since I applied for some jobs with the government yesterday). I hope to get some money I can save up for the meantime. I still want a permanent job tho. I wanna get married. I wanna have kids.
Okay that's it, I'm gonna get something to eat. Write more soon!!
| March 12, 2008 @ 03:27 PM | Add a Comment |
Biar kau tunduk bisu
(Even if you're silent)
Aku tahu gelora hatimu
(I know what's troubling you)
Engkau mahu aku lafazkan rindu
(You wish I'd say I missed you)
Biar kau hanya diam
(Even if you don't have words to say)
Aku selam jiwamu terdalam
(I know what's deep inside you)
Perasaan cintamu yang kau pendam
(How much you love me)
Kata paling terindah
(All those sweet things)
Tak mungkinku ucapkan
(I can never say them)
Hakikat rasa yang kurasakan
(The real feelings I got for you)
Pabila kurenung ke matamu
(When I look into your eyes)
Terlihatku hatimu kasih
(I can see your heart)
Persis mutiara
(Like pearl)
Sinarmu mendamaikan pergolakan insan yang lelah mengembara
(It shines and calms me)
Tak terbilang kesan-kesan luka
(Though I can see all those cuts)
Titis hujan air mata
(Rain of tears)
Tenang sebentar, pedih semula
(You're happy for a while, and get hurt again)
Buatku rasa gentar
(I feel too scared)
Membisikkan hasrat hati sebenar
(Telling you the truth)
Sukar untuk engkau ingin kulamar
(I just can't wish to be with you)
Kasihku
(My love)
Currently listening to: Mila - Persis Mutiara
| March 14, 2008 @ 11:27 PM | Add a Comment |
In a way, I just don't like my mom..
I know nobody is perfect. But she is just totally irresponsible.
Maybe she is used to having people doing all the chores in her house back in Penang. She can take anything she wants and never needs to put them back to where they should be. But I hope she remembers that we DON'T have maids here.
I do the cleaning. I wash the dishes, the clothes. I mop the floor. I wipe the windows, the furniture. All done by myself. Even if she doesn't wanna help me although she comes every weekend, the least she could do to lessen my burden is DON'T ADD ANYMORE MESS.
And for the record, when she complained this house was smelly last night, this morning my dad found a box that she used to carry the kitten she brought last week, inside the store room (which I don't go there unless I need a vacuum cleaner), still with some poo inside, tightly closed and placed on the floor there. Who would ever notice that? Luckily my dad did since he was looking for something.
Who left the box in there without cleaning it first? Me? No, is it? That kitten is mine? No. I brought the kitten here? No too.
And she went complaining I failed with making the house clean and that Luna has made the house smell like zoo.
Not even Luna's fault. Not my fault either. All my mom does is complaining, judging people. And then leaves the house as it is, never intends to put things properly or clean the house a bit before leaving.
This morning I was mad. I admit she bought laksa for me, but this laksa I can only eat for today. What about other days ahead? She used up all my potatoes, the frozen food I keep inside the refrigerator, which I could cook for several days and save up lotsa money. I don't want anymore spending money on grocery shopping (like I did early this week cuz these people left me no food to survive), summore when I know those things I bought could last for 2 weeks and even more.
So, what I did was, "Mom, do you realize that when you eat all the food I keep in there, I won't be able to eat again for several days unless I spend money on shopping again?"
Not to mention my siblings eating up all my chocolates, ice cream, and cheese. Leaving me nothing but instant noodles.
And I believe she knows how unhealthy is it to eat that thing everyday.
"I bought laksa. You can put in refrigerator and heat again when you wanna eat."
In my head, I was like, "Am I a chicken, eating other people's leftovers? Do I deserve this?? I work too!!! In fact, I work more hours than you do!! Even for a very lil pay, I still do it for my own living. How could you make me support you guys whole family??!!"
And as I said earlier, this laksa I can eat only for today. Unless she expects me to eat bit by bit, like hamster saving up food inside its cheeks.
While she cooks ALL the food inside the refrigerator, which I can eat for another week or so.
"Or if you don't want," she added. "I bought instant rice there you can cook and eat easily."
"Mom! That rice is for a family!! I live alone!! What!! You think I gonna cook everything and then put inside the refrigerator, and heat it when wanna eat, and eat again the same thing for whole week? What you think I am?"
I believe she hates eating the same thing everyday too. Well, at least I remember she does, and complained whenever I cooked the same thing for her for the next day.
She got emo. She went to the kitchen and took back the stuff she was cooking, and put back inside the refrigerator. Then she said, "Okay, if you wanna eat, just continue cooking those."
Those are half-cooked. I don't even know whether I should put them inside freezer or not.
I gave up arguing with her. If I add summore trying to console her, she'll bring up again things in the past that I did, just to hurt me. She has already said, "No wonder you don't succeed in life." And that is enough for now.
I just don't see the connection of 'succeeding in life' with 'eating up somebody else's food without even care whether that person got money or not'.
She makes me so scared of being a mother. I don't wanna be like her. Really. She said I can't blame her for being imperfect cuz that is how my grandparents raised her, and she got used to that. I'm afraid that when I have kids, I become like my mom cuz that's how she raised me.
And I just noticed she left a used plate inside the microwave oven. The sink is just a few steps away. Is the plate too heavy for her to put there?
I am NOT selfish! I'm just trying to get a grip of myself. At least for now. So if I care so much about how much money she makes me use, that doesn't mean I'm cheap. I hope she understands, but blah.
Cuz of these people, I don't feel like topping up my cellphone anymore. I might, but only when very desperate. I already spent rm55 last week (whilst normally rm10-20 for 2 weeks) to stock up back the stuff they have finished up.
Leave me some money please. *sobs* Well, at least. Even if I don't have time to shop, but if I have some money, I can eat outside during lunch break, no need to buy frozen food.
Eating Italian gelato is now already in dreams. Same with choco. Haiz.
Oh well, I eat laksa now. Write again soon.
Currently feeling: blah
| March 16, 2008 @ 05:08 PM | Add a Comment |
WOOT! When I was looking for some old earphones to replace my broken ones, I found an old diary of mine. It's the 'time capsule' i made many years ago, and supposed to be read again on my 26th birthday, which is next year. How exciting!
I wonder what I wrote in there.
Yesterday at work, got one shop block went burnt even under rain. It was so scary. When I was getting home, that road was closed with yellow tape, so I had to take another road.
AND I FOUND A SHOP where I can buy some shirts on my way home today. Yippee!
I want futsal ball! I want baseball bat! I want boxing gloves. ALL I WANT! Hehe.. and I need sandals too. But I want use mom or dad's money.
Wahh last night I didn't drink milk cuz too sleepy. Summore the washing machine is broken -_- and I've been washing by hands. Nuuuuu!!! That detergent isn't gentle to my hands!!
Well I write again soon.
| March 20, 2008 @ 05:21 AM | Add a Comment |
| March 20, 2008 @ 07:39 PM | Add a Comment |
I'm writing this while watching Dani my baby sleeping.. can see his fluffy head thru the webcam omg soooo cute and so bearish (his word, not mine).
We even slept together just now with both webcams on. Aren't we the sweetest?
Now I'm eating bread with some mushroom soup, for breakfast. I can get ready to work a bit later since I don't need to wash my hair today.
Yesterday when I got home from work, I got 2 emails; one from a very important person regarding Dani coming here, another one is from an unknown guy who's willing to pay me a painting for his book cover by the theme of 'Hidup Bagai Mimpi'.
The very important person is called Michael. He's living nearby a spot where an European-looking guy has been selling pizzas. However, it's in KL. So I wish Michael could somehow get me this European guy's contact details. I just need to make everything goes well when Dani is here. I hope he has done with his resume in jobstreet.com.
And the unknown guy, I only gave him my estimated quotation (based on how much my boss last time paid me) and asked him for his company details. I don't want people plagiarize my masterpiece.
I haven't topped up my cellphone for very long. I used to sms mom a lot, so she knows I'm doing good here. Maybe later I'll call her, asking how she's doing. I just can't bear use another rm10 for topup, which lasts only for 10 days.
Luna did her pee on the floor, where I put my shoes. Luckily no shoes were stained. I guess she was confused. I just really couldn't blame her. The bathroom she has been using is now full of dirty clothes I need to wash. And some still waiting to dry. She must be thinking it's not polite to do her business where people are cleaning stuff. So she did it there.
I still bump into Darick on my way to work sometimes. But usually when he is heading to BSN, doing his sales. Lol I can't imagine me still doing that job. It's tiring, annoying, frustrating... making me wake up every morning and come home with so much anger. I'm not really the type who gonna work til late at night. Around 8pm is still ok for me. But 11pm-1am is just nuts. Lol. I don't care how much they gonna pay me, but I have another life at home, sorry.
Well, I better shower now. This morning is so bright, so uhh sunblock lotion for me then. Hehe.
DANI IS HAWT!! FLUFFY HEAD!! *plays with his hair*
Currently feeling: excited
| March 22, 2008 @ 09:19 AM | Add a Comment |
(i got this from my sis o_o)
English - I love you.
Polish - Ja Kocham Ciebie
French - Je T'aime
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte Hai
Czech - Miluji Te
Slovakian - Lu'Bim Ta
Italian - Ti Amo
Ukrainian - Ya Tebe Kahayu
German - Ich Liebe Dich
Chinese - Wo Ai Ni
Greek - S'agapo
Hawaian - Aloha Wau Ia Oi
Lithuianian - Tav Myliu
Korean - Sa Rang Haeyo
Japanese - Ai Shi Te Ru
Malay - Aku cinta kamu
Romanian - Te Ubsec
Bosnian - Volim Te
Albanian - Te Dua
Currently feeling: full
| March 23, 2008 @ 03:22 PM | Add a Comment |
Yay!! I used Lara's money for nasi lemak this morning!!
Well.. that is bad, for a bigger sister 'pow'ing a younger one. But what to do >.> she gotta pay for the 2 hours of my bedtime lost for having to take her from college and send her back there. She got problem with her roommate who has been on the phone with her bf all day, all night, while my sis needed to study for her exams today. It was annoying when she asked her to low down the volume but being ignored. The best she could do is calling me to pick her up and bring her home.
And I think today for lunch break, I'll have egg with bread (again). Well, maybe. I don't feel like it that much preparing it this morning lol. Well, a Malay is always a Malay. What's the point eating too much anyways. I might get too full to work again.
Btw, how come 7-11 is always the spot for street racers? Cuz it's open 24/7? I just needed bread, not their rides. I never felt at ease going to that store late at night (like last night). But umm.. watching shemales parade in Lake Garden was kinda refreshingly fun. I laughed my heart out. Poor Dani he's wishing he could shoot all of them.
As much as my sis doesn't get along with her fellow students, I don't as well. But I was lucky I could go anywhere on my own, while she needs to be accompanied cuz her college tells her so.
This reminds me of Pari, a friend of Nasha's. Despite of me being alone at most of the time, he still vowed I was gonna be his gf no matter what. Like lol? I don't want smokers or drinkers. Azrin is an exception.
Yeah but now I don't even look at that type of guys anymore. They always come with same package who end up leaving me for various reasons. Umm yeah I can't expect anyone to stay with me forever, but still they never tried not to break it off.
I'm glad I still have some people who accept me the way I am, despite my conservativeness. Lemme put myself into points:
LIKES
- health foods
- lists
- hygiene
- order
- wholesomeness
DISLIKES
- hazards to health
- anything sordid
- sloppy workers
- squalor
- uncertainty
I got Ann who loves me like this (except my addiction to some online games), and Dani sayang, sayang sayang dia muahhhh!
Here's what I know about him:
LIKES
- truth (I lied to him a lot)
- hidden causes (so he digs up as much info as he can from me whenever I frown a bit)
- being involved (he hates peepos)
- work that is meaningful (yea he doesn't like the 2-3 months working contract)
- being persuasive (true -_-)
DISLIKES
- being given only surface data (same like above, dig dig)
- taken advantage of (o_o)
- demeaning jobs (he dun like orders? sometimes)
- shallow relationships (true)
- flattery and flattering (yea he hates exaggeration)
HOMG I better shower.
Currently feeling: chipper
| March 24, 2008 @ 09:16 AM | Add a Comment |
Rinshay