Rinshay
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My Crap Corner
Entries for February, 2008
farewell..I just found out Dani has been lying about hating SoF, reason given: cuz I hate that game. So while I was hating it, avoiding it, he has been reading the game forum and coming online every once in a while to talk to his friends.
I was shocked cuz if I did the same, he would have been dead jealous. And shockingly, he didn't even seem lonely in that game as he always claimed he is.
The fact is I know he loves that game. He didn't need to lie. I even had to ask twice and he answered twice that the game didn't matter anymore to him.
I'm not leaving cuz of a game, lol. I don't even blame him. I lied to him too. I'm glad he has something he can use to backfire me.
Just.. if he reads this.. everything hurtful I said to him, I never meant it. And I still trust him.. I know it was just a white lie not to make me feel bad. But I don't know where I should go from here. Since I sorta eavesdropped my parents talking about keeping me here again, now I have 2 options. 1) Suicide. 2) Run away and risk myself being busted somewhere. Either way, I still won't stick around anymore...
Please forgive me.. it's my time to go.
Goodbye everyone..
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Cant Take That Away
They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I will not allow anyone to succeed hanging clouds over me
And they can try hard to make me feel that I don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams
Cuz there's a light in me that shines brightly
They can try
But then can't take that away from me
They can do anything they want to you
If you let them in
But they won't ever win
If you cling to your pride and just push them aside
See I, I have learned
There's an inner piece I own
Something in my soul that they cannot possess
So I won't be afraid
And the darkness will fade
Cuz there's a light in me that shines brightly
Yes, they can try
But they can't take that away from me
No..
They can't take this precious love I'll always have inside me
Certainly the Lord will guide me
Where I need to go
They can say anything they want to say
Try to bring me down
But I won't face the ground
I will rise steadily
Sailing out of their reach
Oh Lord,
They do try hard to make me feel that I don't matter at all
But I refuse to falter in what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams
Cuz there's a light in me that shines brightly
They can try
But they can't take that away from me...
Currently feeling: dead
| February 6, 2008 @ 08:14 AM | 1 comments |
First thing that comes across my mind speaking of why I don't deserve him is that he did a lot for me and I did none. He's honest, loyal, caring.. everything of a guy that a girl could wish for. I even considered myself so lucky to have found someone as wonderful as he is. But too bad... I did everything enough to make me say I don't deserve him.
Secondly, my life is too crappy. I'm the type who can't work under pressure, as my mom always says. When something goes wrong in life, I can't focus on other things too. Right now, I'm too disappointed and mad with my parents. I have too much anger towards them and this makes me change somewhat in attitude. I no longer treated him like I used to, cuz in my mind, I still have those words my parents been saying about me. I changed, I hurt him more often, made him cry more...
Third, maybe as he always said.. he loves me more than I do to him. Maybe he's right.. cuz if I love him, I wouldn't leave.. even tho I left cuz I don't wanna hurt him anymore, he didn't even try to stop me. Maybe cuz he already knows I don't deserve him? Maybe..
Fourth, he's way better than me. I lied to him. I shouldn't have lied, but that's my rule. Never give personal info to anyone online. I guess he was special.. he even knows where I live. Umm can I add more soon cuz i'm crying and can't see. lol.. later.
| February 6, 2008 @ 06:21 PM | Add a Comment |
I woke up from 7 hours of sleep when a new SMS from Dani was received. It was my sister's birthday!
But I recalled the night before, she was talking about some MotoGP guy who just won in Sepang.. Valentino Rossi. I listened attentively whilst in my head I was projecting images of shoes. For a sec, I thought his name sounded familiar, but then it faded off and I started seeing shoes again. It's just today that I read in the news, he's actually a superbike rider. -_- I thought it was a shoe brand.
Speaking of shoes, I chose her birthday to parade around in town wearing my new high heels; the ones I bought with her but not yet worn cuz I didn't go out ever since. We planned to spend the day with watching Jay Chou's Kung Fu Dunk and Stephen Chow's CJ7. It's Chinese New Year. Only big malls were open. Mom gave me some hundreds and none to my sis since she has 4k to spend on her new Samsung Ultra F500.
But too bad, Kung Fu Dunk isn't shown yet in Penang. So we ended up watching CJ7 from 12.45pm to 2.15pm and then Pulau Hantu (Indonesian) from 2.30pm to 4 something. I took this chance to wander around for a Valentine's card for Dani (since he's gonna be in Italy for 1-2 months more) which wasn't in my agenda before and now it was. But the bookstore was closed (Popular) so I had to buy a Hallmark in Borders. She sorta peeked cuz I didn't lie, I told her I was getting a card. She was suspicious, but I hoped she didn't think that card was meant for her. o_O
I already treated her to 2 movies though. But she said she wanna go out again tomorrow to buy the cellphone since the shop was closed. Maybe I'll get her something when she isn't looking.
But she was looking at the card I bought! She caught the word "MINE" on the card inner side and saw that I was putting some effort on decorating it, she suddenly asked, "For your Jun-sang?"
I was like, "Jun who?"
"That Winter Sonata guy with eye problem."
"Oh." I grinned meekly and continued minding my own business. I went downstairs hoping I could finish my work in private. But mom was watching TV there and she didn't wanna stop asking. So I just ignored and did everything I could, quickly put it inside the envelope, sealed it, and phew.
I gave mom the eyeshadow she wanted but I bought 2 (powder and stick), so she could choose. She chose stick cuz easier to apply. So the powdered one, I guess I just gonna use it to finish it. I already got a stick eyeshadow which I'm still happy using it, now I wonder how am I gonna apply 2 types of eyeshadow at the same time o_O. Omg Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse foundation is really awesome! Way better than the L'Oreal I've been using. It sticks on my skin like compact powder instead of normal face cream, really classy. Loving it!!
I sent an SMS to Dani in my late afternoon when I just got out from the cinema, asking whether he was feeling any better. The day before, he went with some suicide attempt. I had to cancel my leave and ask my sis to come home instead of me going there. Omg if I knew that could happen, I wouldn't have.. well now I know. And since I'm not there, I can only hope he's alright there >_<. I'm glad he listened to me to tell his parents and consult a doctor.
I wonder if I should sleep now. But if I'm going out again with Sadie, I gonna need energy. So umm.. I'll just push myself to sleep then. I hope Dani is resting well.
I don't wanna lose him..
Currently listening to: Josh Groban - Alejate
Currently feeling: anxious
| February 8, 2008 @ 03:09 AM | Add a Comment |
The 2nd day beautiful Luna sneezing. Too bad the vet isn't open yet until Monday.
Me and my sis went to get her cellphone today. But we were supposed to leave around 2pm when we noticed the car was missing. We called dad since he was missing too, and he said the car was in the workshop. How peculiar, since the shop was supposed to be closed on public holidays. However, we found the receipt inside the car when we got the car back around 5pm (I was chatting with Dani). My sis was in angry+disappointed mode and she talked in high-pitched tone to everyone in the house.
The cellphone she wanted was out of stock. So she had to get a Samsung U600 instead, worths 1.2k. (The picture below; mine, Sadie's, and my brother's cheap Nokia cuz he's a lil kid)
I gonna get Samsung D880 soon. But after I reached Taiping. Even if I'm not ever gonna reach there, I would still buy. Unless I get bored with its look o_o.
We were discussing mulah in front of an auto-teller machine, planning on how much we should be spending. I suggested 1.3k, but she wanted 1.5k. And then I remembered those Prada shoes I saw, so I tot I wanna withdraw a thousand. Suddenly I noticed people around us were listening to us. I gulped and quickly said "Omg withdraw a thousand?? I only have a hundred in there! Hahaha!!". And clever Sadie read my hint and started talking crap about 1.5k and 15 cents.
The cellphone shopkeeper was staring at us for quite long. She examined my face, the clothes I wore, my shoes... and looked at how much cash Sadie took out from her wallet. I personally think we both should start using a card >_<.
"You want 2k?" Sadie asked suddenly.
"What? What for?"
"Dunno, I tot you gonna need to buy a laptop cuz dad doesn't allow you bringing pc to Taiping, right?"
"Oh yea! Right! But I tot you're getting that Ducati."
"Nah. But later let's go to AutoCity, I wanna check out a Kawasaki."
Too bad, it was raining hard. Already near 7pm. So I suggested us going home since gotta drive slowly while it rained.
"Let's go to pub later? When those people are asleep of course."
"No.." I said. "I wanna go to the beach tomorrow morning. It's my weekend routine. Wait a sec. Are you serious?"
"Yeah. Why worry? I can lie easily. I'm not like you who eventually will tell the truth."
"I still lie tho. To online people."
"Yea but that's your rule. Never disclose your personal info to strangers. We dun wanna get detected, remember? Besides, those people could be spying on us."
"I.. sorta told someone my real age and our home address tho o_O."
"o_O?"
"Nevermind. Ice cream booth is there."
"My treat!"
We reached home around 7.30 or 7.45pm, not sure. I didn't come straight online cuz I expected Dani was prolly sleeping. I tried out my Gucci handbag. I made my mom's nails shiny. That was when she told us that she's joining Pegawai Tadbir & Diplomatik (PTD) and gonna write letter that my dad can go remarry if he wants, but then gonna take lotsa years without dad's influence before she can become an ambassador. I don't mind. If she's happy, I'm happy too.
Sadie was taking lotsa pictures of me using her new gadget. She said gonna post them on her blog and make her friends envious.
Tomolo I hope post office is open!!! Cuz I wanna post this to Dani:
I love him so much. He can say anything he wants about me.
Currently listening to: This Girl Loves That Girl - All About Us
Currently feeling: excited
| February 8, 2008 @ 10:54 PM | Add a Comment |
I got internet. This house is ok and umm.. dunno I'm no longer so excited about anything here.. maybe I'll write some other time.
Let's get back to work! ^^ Aja-aja fighting!
Currently feeling: I DUNNO
| February 15, 2008 @ 07:35 PM | Add a Comment |
Sadie and dad cooked for lunch cuz they're both busted for shopping over rm4k in a day (Sadie) and dad I'm not sure for what.
So yummy!
She's my mobile bank! I want money!
Omg I miss Dani -_- but..
huuuuuuuuunnnnn!!!!!!! I miss calling him like that. But dunno why lately I don't feel comfortable with it much.
Dani is the guy whom I could tell everything inside my brain and he won't judge me. But now I'm afraid if I say wrong things and hurt him.. he already said I've been mean and sarcastic o_o.
I miss him.. I wish I know how to.. But..
Nuuuuuuuuuuu!! *strangles u* Who?
I don't have mood to talk to anybody.. or go to work.. I just wanna sleep at home, stare at the ceiling or the floor..
Really no mood to talk.. T_T..
I hate living like this.
I wanna hold him but..
I guess I'm just too sad.. I'll be okay soon...
Currently listening to: Dia Fadilla - Aku Masih Setia
Currently feeling: nothing
| February 17, 2008 @ 02:58 PM | Add a Comment |
Dad just took Luna back to Penang.. my daughter..
I miss her so much.. I dunno if I can stand a week without her.. I know my dad will send her back here next weekend, but how am I gonna go thru a week feeling like this >_<
Summore tomorrow I'm leaving to KL with my mom.. And gotta leave Dani til Wednesday >_< omg I hate this feeling.. Now without my hubby?? How??!!
I think I will call that house in Penang sometimes to tell Luna how much I miss and love her.. T_T.. I still can see her playing and running around in this house with her ball.. How could I do this to her.. she was crying so much when dad took her away, she didn't want me to let her go..
And Dani.. I will spam his cellphone a lot.. and call if I wanna tell him that I love him..
Omg now I'm at home alone with my mom, she talks so much >_<. I dun feel like talking at the moment.. I'm missing 2 dear people in my life..
Dani.. Luna... T_T.. *holds u both..*
Currently listening to: Say Shava Shava
Currently feeling: gloomy
| February 23, 2008 @ 08:07 AM | Add a Comment |
HOMG I'm HOME at last!!!
What more? I got Luna too. I *heart* my dad for bringing her back to Taiping on the same day I was returning. I GOT TO SEE MY SWEETIE BEAR DANI TOO!!! OMG MY FAMILY IS COMPLETE AGAIN!!
And my dear hubby said he received my Valentine's card yesterday. I feel so happy that he loves it. Luna still seems terrified tho. Scared of my brother, and of the ride.
But now she's clinging to me like never letting me go.
I think accompanying mom to KL is the right choice. I don't think she can survive alone there, without me.
We might share same eyeshadows, but it seems we also share the same charm. When the young guys stalking me, the mid 30's guys are stalking her.
However, it happened when I was just done having breakfast. For a while I thought the whole dining hall were having their eyes on me as I was standing there, looking around for a nice table for one. So I doublechecked, and yea, they were staring at me. The ladies smirked. The gents drooled. I just remained calm and took my seat. I noticed these two men at this table just in front of me, been staring at me while talking to each other. And ocassionally they smiled at me and continued examining me from top to toe.
I didn't feel at all comfortable with this since I was trying my best to fill my tummy space with as much food as I could. And having these two sickening guys watching me, making me wanna puke all the input I had stuffed inside. First, those guys were nowhere near gorgeous. Second, they looked like some pedophiles when they smiled like that. Third, I was just not interested in getting to know anybody there cuz in my mind was always Dani Dani Dani.
So I had to clear up my plate as fast as possible, and changed table. While doing that, I passed by a waitress whom I asked whether I was anywhere weird that morning. She asked me to turn around and checked my pants whether I zipped it and yea, nothing was wrong with me. But then, why were they staring at me so much?
I took wantan noodle (like omg so yummy!) but too bad I couldn't stay there for too long. There was an urge inside my heart, telling me to just hide under blankets in my room up there. So I left the dining hall, with tummy like watermelon. And as I was inside the elevator, one of those two guys who were staring at me, appearing right as the elevator door was closing. He gave me this ewww-ing smile again, I couldn't smile back or anything, I was petrified. Reaching 6th floor, I quickly ran into my room and hid in there until mom came back from meeting.
And the next morning, I had some policemen to escort me and mom back home. I guess mom called them cuz the time when she was taking the elevator, the same two guys were waving at her with this weird smile on their faces too. Mom was terrified and what else she could do other than calling for some security.
Stalkers. I just can never get rid of them. I've been followed ever since I was in college. It's sickening, boring, making us having less space for ourselves. Who can stand that?
Aww there is Luna, cleaning herself. So cuuuute.. oh why am I still awake? Cuz I just got a call from Jeya about where to meet tomorrow. We both can't meet at the same time every time anymore to avoid routines, come home either sometimes earlier or later, or go to work earlier or later, either way, as long as stalkers can't definite my working time.
Okay at midnight, I need to take my psyllium husk. Need twice a day and 2 hours after eating something and 1 hour before eating something. Everyday. So I gotta wait a bit more before I can sleep.
I miss you Dani.. you're the best guy any girl could wish to have. *kisses you* Goodnight my sweet angel..
Currently listening to: Rihanna & Chris Brown - Cinderella Under the Umbrella
Currently feeling: excited
| February 27, 2008 @ 11:34 PM | Add a Comment |
Rinshay