Rinshay
o_O |
|
My Crap Corner
Entries for January, 2008
o_O
Wahhh finally I'm here again!!!
I forgot the password of my previous account 
. Well it does happen..
I planned to practice writing stuff in more dedicated and disciplined manner starting this year. But I couldn't find a diary that can be locked. Well I could, if I went to the right place. But I didn't have time for that.
So here I am o_o since I just remembered tabulas.com is the right addy.. Been googling for 'online diary' and 'online blog' but only crap websites it gave me.
I remember Ain used this few years ago to insult me. LOL! But then when she found out I'd been reading, she set her blog to private. Wait, was it her or her friend? Well, does it still matter?
I'm waiting for Dani! Uh.. I know he asked me to sleep since it's midnight, but I miss him too much I guess. Tomorrow is weekend, I can just sleep during the day.
Okay since this is just a test entry, I will stop now and write more soon. Hopefully. Whenever I feel like writing down something. Hehe 
<-- Jay Chou - On the Run
Currently listening to: Jay Chou - Coward
Currently feeling: hungry
| January 12, 2008 @ 12:17 AM | Add a Comment |
I woke up this morning to another dull dull day. At least I got a kiss from Dani. Well.. 'kiss'.
Went downstairs to get some drink, and my nose just caught this smell from the newly born kitties like 3 of them in the bathroom. I'm like wtf since I have been sick for the past few days, I hardly looked close to anything that was happening in this house. But this one is really an outrage. I dunno how to describe the feeling now, I just wanna run away. So so far from here where I can build and manage my life better without anybody else to control me.
I felt furious but then Dani sorta noticed and he didn't wanna shut up, he kept asking if something has gone wrong. I wasn't in the right mood to explain the same things to him. He might get bored of listening to the same problem too. So why not just lemme shut up cuz this problem is nothing he can fix, not even me can fix it. Unless I rob a bank and become rich in a sudden, so I could move out from here quicker.
And then last night I went to the clinic for another medicine (which now I regret going there since if I'm still ill, I won't have to bother about having any kitties inside the house), the doctor was the one whom I consulted when I was suicidal, so he asked whether I already found a job and a bf. I just gave him a meek smile and said "well.."
Job? The hell with jobs! Like wahh so easy, jobs can just fall right from the sky. It wouldn't be so hard if I don't have these parents and these siblings and this family. And bf? Oh my bf is still an illusion (like my mom always says I've been living in dreams) and I'm still waiting for him to come which gonna prove to them that I HAVE A BF for REAL. And I'm not 13. Lol 13. When I was 13, I wasn't even at home. I had a way better life there than now. Shit.
My friends now are settled down with things they plan to do in future. Getting married, getting employed. What about me? My future is so vague like I'm gonna be stuck with these cats for more and more years. Omg I can't think anymore. Why the hell I'm a girl and not a guy? I need so much freedom. Why because I'm a girl, I'm bound to obey lotsa rules? Bound to be sooo nice and just do whatever other people are doing? I can't be slightly different?
b.o.r.i.n.g I even argue with Dani while writing this. Shit. I should have just logged off to let myself cool down a bit before I said anything hurtful to him.
continued..
Happy Birthday Jay Chou ge ge!!! Xin nian guai le!! Now I remember what I was forgetting. Lol. Sowieee bro! Didn't mean to forget you. But today is gay day, maybe I should change it to Jay day? Hehe.. you're 2008-1979 = 29 years old now?? o_O I used calculator for that. Seems you're celebrating your birthday while on tour -_-;;; Singapore now? Omg am I even talking to you?? Haha. Moving on..
I already miss Dani after a few seconds he logged off for work. I suck, I don't have nice things to say to him. My life sucks more.
Luna was peeking the lil baby cats downstairs, she made this 'eewww' face and came running and touched my foot with her paw. But when she saw me taking medicines, she stopped following me and went to eat. Now I dunno where she is.
I still have these words playing in my head:
"I have to leave you." I never loved you anyways.
"My dad doesn't like you. You're too Islamic. I don't wanna lose a dad for a girl I knew just for several months. I love my family more." My dad doesn't like you either. Your hair is too long. And your agnosticism is too absolute.
"You can't blame me if I wanna leave. It's all your fault." I just liked spending your money tho. You can't blame me either.
"About those promises I made, let's just forget and forgive. I'm only human, I make mistakes." I never promised you anything or believed in any.
"You're just amazing tho. You're a great girl, but I guess love just fades off. Let's just be friends? I still wanna talk to you." Omg cool! You just suck as a bf, let's be friends ^^
"Time will tell whether we'll be together or not." Time is telling me to grow up and look further.. umm but not in you. 
"Suteki, da ne?" Like shit. I'm glad you're leaving.
"Sorry, my mom cried... I can't keep hurting her like this. If she needs me so much like this, I guess I'll have to.. umm.." My mom cried too.
"Well I guess it won't work since my past relationships didn't last long without living together." I hope you're HIV positive.
And a few weeks later they came wanting me back.
Well boo-HOO!!! Just CRY ME A RIVER!! I WON'T EVER BE STOOD DOWN TO YOUR LEVELS, NOOBS!!
"If only you were mine again.."
"I still remember your number even after I deleted it long time ago."
"Happy Friday!! Isn't it a wonderful Friday today? Hehe I'm still your friend."
"I understand. You can always talk to me." Nope, you don't understand me. You never did, why should you do now?
"That girl wants to go back to her ex.." So, it's my business to know?
And lol I just can't wait to have Dani here so I can boast around that my current bf (who is REAL and not some imaginary stuff for some 13-year-old girl) is way, WAY better than you guys and he loves me for who I am. I don't need to be dumb so he'll feel wiser than me. I don't need to keep saying 'oh my fucking God' so his dad won't hate me for having a God and His teachings to guide me. I don't need to act like a slut, so his friends will say he's lucky cuz I'm seksi. And he doesn't smoke, so I don't need to light up a cigarette for him like you guys did to me.
Well yeah, I was just fooling around with fake feelings cuz I knew you guys weren't being true either. If you guys were, I would have felt like what I feel now for Dani.
Hearts can't lie.
Currently listening to: Jay Chou - Che
Currently reading: my own blog entry
Currently feeling: blah
| January 18, 2008 @ 03:36 PM | Add a Comment |
I love this song so much.. but I can't download it anywhere..
This makes me wanna fly to Taiwan.. >_<
Dani I miss you...
HOMG I GOT THE SONG AT LAST!!!!
After struggling and wading thru lotsa porn pop-ups, I finally found the link to Hidden Track EP album. HOMG. (I hope my pc is still safe from any threats)
Verse 1:
zen me yin cang wo de bei shang
shi qu ni de di fang
ni de fa xiang san de cong mang
wo yi jing gen bu shang
Verse 2:
bi shang yan jing hai neng kan jian
ni li qu de hen ji
zai yue guang xia yi zhi zhao xun
na xiang nian de shen ying
ru guo shuo fen shou shi ku tong de qi dian
na zai zhong dian zhi qian wo yuan yi zai ai yi bian
xiang yao dui ni shuo de bu gan shuo de ai
hui bu hui you ren ke yi ming bai
Chorus:
wo hui fa zhe dai ran hou wang ji ni
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
xiang zhe na yi tian hui you ren dai ti
rang wo bu zai xiang nian ni
wo hui fa zhe dai ran hou wei wei xiao
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
you xiang le yi bian ni wen rou de lian
zai wo wang ji zhi qian
xin li de yan lei mo hu le shi xian
ni yi kuai kan bu jian
Currently listening to: Jay Chou - Orbit
Currently feeling: refreshed
| January 19, 2008 @ 12:57 AM | Add a Comment |
"Loving someone means setting them free."
"Sayangkan anak, tangan-tangankan. Sayangkan isteri, tinggal-tinggalkan."
I guess love does mean making somebody happy. And if they wish to leave, we're not supposed to make them stay..
I understand 2 types of people: 1) Those who love someone until not gonna let go. 2) Those who love someone by giving too much freedom.
I fall under 2nd category. I can say this since I have Luna, my dear kitty that I love like she's my daughter and everything to me. She can poop on my bed and I'd never get angry. Never would scold her, or even glare at her. But since I'm a lucky mom, Luna never misbehaves. She knows what's the right thing to do, and what's not. That's how she shows her love to me.
But in some cases, the child could turn into a spoilt brat. Giving them too much freedom, without setting guidelines and teaching them some lessons; all these will make this kid having lack of respect to the elders and won't even take other people's advice since they know mommy's not gonna scold them.
Whilst some people (like my own mother) fall under the 1st category... extremely possessive. She'd rather watch me rotting at home and losing hair than letting me go out for my own life outside.
Marriage? Almost impossible. Even if I do, she'd wanna live with me still.
So today I argued with her again about these things. She went emotional when recalling that soon I will leave home to get a job and live somewhere else. But I'm still here. And she knows that even if I'm gone, she can always come to visit me. And if she thinks I'm leaving because I don't love her anymore, that is 100% wrong. I leave because that's the right thing to do. How much longer I should stay at home and laze around? I don't even earn anything. At least lemme work outside and have some money, so I could support myself at least and she wouldn't have to worry about taking care of me.
I'm no longer that 13-year-old girl she knew. Tho she kept saying that I'm living in dreams, that I don't wanna grow up.. I believe it's her herself who doesn't wanna let me grow up. I know it's hard for every mother to let go of their children after nurturing them for many many years.. I understand that feeling. I have Luna, and see how much I dislike her having a boyfriend or something. Because she will have kids, and then will spend less and less time with me. Or no more. It's sad, I know.. but those moments will come sooner or later. Nothing stays forever.
But I've stayed long enough. Long enough to understand the bond between mother and daughter. Long enough to see what it takes to be a good parent. Long enough to acquire some valuable lessons in life and become a better person. I know it's a scary world outside there, but why won't let me try to live with it? I can't stay in safe zone all the time. I can't escape reality.
This is the reality I wish to venture. I'm no longer living in some dreams. And I'm not 13.
...T_T
Currently listening to: Jay Chou - Orbit
Currently feeling: listless
| January 19, 2008 @ 04:09 PM | Add a Comment |
I feel like wanna pack up my stuff and leave this instant 
I hardly even talk to my friends anymore cuz I'm online when they're not.
And if I tell them I feel bored, they'll suggest me playing some online games.
I did. And I still am. And yea, I only play whenever Dani is around since I'm online whenever he is.
Nothing changes around here. The same yell from mom cuz she hates dad, the same untidy house cuz my brothers hate me.
At least someone noticed me feeling bored to death -_-...
I'm happy seeing Ann's pictures with her friends. Seems like she's been having fun, enjoying her mid 20's days. Me? I've been here for 3 years. I just realized how many years wasted cuz I didn't have the courage to tell people what I want.
Cuz my dad thinks I'm too young and mom says I'm a girl. And my siblings need me. Leaving the family is like abandoning them (which is wrong) and it's making me look like such a bad bad daughter..
"You have bf? hahaha do you even know what is a bf?"
"You wanna work? What can you do? You will fail. Just stay at home and take care of your family."
"You wanna go out? Wait til we go out, you come with us. You might get lost."
"You want money? I already put your brother's name as an heir to my property cuz he's a guy."
"If you think people like being with you, think again. Go see yourself in the mirror."
"Friends? You don't have friends! I pick the friends for you cuz you will pick wrong ones."
"You wanna drive? Are you a guy?"
"Wahh you wanna go out, wait lemme call Sabrina to go with you."
Omg am I retarded or something? There's nothing they let me do on my own for like 25 years now.
I guess I'm just a born loser. No wonder people I like don't stick around too long with me.
Let's make myself feel better by thinking of the less fortunate ones..
Currently feeling: blank
| January 22, 2008 @ 08:19 AM | Add a Comment |
So lame.
Saying "I miss you" expecting I would say "I miss you too."
Telling me "I love you" ("as friends", added after a while) expecting me to say "I love you too" but too bad I can only say "thank you."
Appearing online whenever I appear online on the list (when normally you just appear offline) expecting I would send you a message if I care. And go back offline after 10mins if I didn't show any response.
Giving me extra, extra happy smileys 
and all that instead of your usual gloom, expecting I would show you some concern that you're actually in a big mess yet still able to smile for me.
Stop being so lame please. This kind of lameness is so 1990's. You're already turning 20 this April. There won't be 'teen' anymore. So cut the childish crap.
You're so D-type. I'm so sick of you, please go to heaven.
Don't gimme that sad sad face when I'm no longer interested in you (did you even notice how sad sad I was when you said it's over?).
Don't talk to me like we're still good friends when you acted like a stranger once and disappeared like you never knew me.
I know I messed up sometimes. And you said it wasn't your fault.
But I'm human. You're human. You messed up too. And would you ever admit it? No, cuz you're a proud American.
So 'American'.
You didn't even let us give it another try while I did it many times. You think you sorang je yang ade keledek?
And you called yourself a gentleman, while 2 days after you left I saw you with that girl. Moving on so quickly?
Now coming back to me cuz that girl was just fooling around with you? Lol. Am I retarded?
And read this. Once you leave, don't ever look back. Cuz I'm already one step ahead of you, no longer behind there.
Currently feeling: devious
| January 22, 2008 @ 12:19 PM | Add a Comment |
First and foremost, I will have mom yelling how much she hates dad. She'll go on and on about how ugly dad looks and how much she regrets marrying him. Cuz of this, dad is now living in the other side of the house, with other people treating him like he's dead.
And I never even looked at that side cuz I know this house is just a hotel for him where he comes to sleep, while 18 hours of his day he spends in his office.
Now she has another agenda; dad threw away her application form that is supposed to help her get outta here. She just doesn't wanna live with him anymore. So, cool, not only they don't share the same room, now they wanna live separately.
I'm sure that dad doesn't really want it tho. If he does, he wouldn't throw away that form.
So here we go every morning every time mom wakes up, she starts her day (and ours too) with anything random about her and dad, most of the time grumbling why did she dump her ex to marry dad and such. It won't end. And dad will just act like a loser, grin at all of us, and leave home for work. Dad is okay. He has Marni.
Tho the last time I saw her is when dad was admitted in the hospital. Prolly last year. And I had this too much of heat stroke to bother why did his girlfriend show up. Instead of looking after dad, mom went to my bed and looked after me. I only remember her and my sister being there. While I was on wheel chair, I know someone pushed me. Either Adri or my sister.
But I sorta noticed dad needed mom more than Marni.
Sometimes I ask mom, "Why are you still keeping this marriage?"
"Because your lil brother still needs a dad," she says.
But I say, "You've been poisoning his head with so much stories about dad. I think he will understand why are you guys gonna divorce. You're making him hate his dad slowly."
"Better like that," she says. "Did you see how possessive he becomes just because I look younger now? Why the hell I'm not allowed to feel good about myself? Now accusing me for having an affair with someone else. He makes me sick."
"He's my dad. If you feel sick of him, you should feel sick of all of us too."
"Just don't get married with anyone like him. You will suffer."
"But dad prolly wants me to marry someone like him. You know he's still the leader."
I miss dad. The person he was before this couple declared the war in the court.
But I dunno if I miss mom. I like her now better than she was. At least she's now getting the hang of the politics dad has been playing with. Dad didn't even try to beat her up again.
"Maybe this is why when I was 10, I said I would stay single forever."
Mom pished. "You were just a kid."
"Maybe this is why I have been worried about having a serious relationship. Maybe this is why I'm not married yet unlike my friends."
She laughed. "Think for like million times before getting serious with anybody."
"But marriage is like gambling. Some people could have never met but end up getting married and live happily together. While some people could be drawing a heart on a wet cement with 2 people's names in it and end up killing each other after getting married."
Mom stared at me. "You're still a kid."
"I know. I'm a kid, I'm somebody's punchbag whenever they need a place to let out their anger. I'm also an adult when you need me to become witness when you're filing your divorce letter with dad. But when it comes to this, suddenly I'm just a kid again."
Dad came from somewhere to interrupt us. "Sya you can start packing up your stuff if you're really leaving."
"I am leaving," I said. "Just not now. I still gotta wait. Besides, I don't want you guys to kill each other when I'm gone. So I'll stick around a bit longer."
I can't just poof and leave my family like this. And if you guys think I'm leaving cuz I'm a bad daughter and I'm abandoning my family, you're wrong.
"Then you can leave when your mom got approval letter to move," he said. "Well that if they let her move."
"I'll be ready to leave in 2 or 3 months," I said. "I still have my own business to take care of."
"Okay.." Dad just nodded and left out the door, with that look on his face as if I don't like him anymore.
Dad, I don't hate you. I hate this place. Maybe you and mom just don't get along anymore, just should live on your own. I liked it better living just with you, just two of us.
At least mom would stop blaming her kids for things they never did. Like what she's doing to me now every time she opens her eyes to begin another day of her life. And if I talk back, she'll blame the other people I talk to... like my friends and my bf. She'll say that I've been influenced by them.
But then those friends taught me about life. Without them, I wouldn't have been here trying to protect somebody's marriage.
Currently feeling: listless
| January 25, 2008 @ 09:02 AM | Add a Comment |
A sleeping beauty awakens
A little girl finds her unicorn
A magician waves his wand
A star guides the way
A knight slays the dragon
A pirate finds hidden treasure
A Romeo meets his Juliet
A secret world revealed
-Nokia N-Series commercial (o_o!)
Wah so stupid, I forgot to turn off the water tap. Brb!
Oki o_O my mom accused me kicking the cats (the outdoor cats) cuz they fear me so much. Even hearing my voice, they will run like mad. I said good.
Hey, I don't kick cats! I know I shout "KICK YOU!!!" every morning but how am I gonna kick them while running? Use your brain meh!
Anyways I have my own reasons for not letting in those outdoor cats. If you wanna let them in, do that when I'm gone. Thank you.
Now me and my brothers got sooo hooked up with this Zoo Tycoon game. Wah, so shiok! I gone bankrupt a lot, but restarting the game is still cool. I like pandas o_o. Every time they give birth, I get $50k.
However, when I move, maybe I need to say bye bye to the game, cuz can't copy the CD. Dunno why. I tot it's pirated. If pirate CD, how come got copyright? Zzzz la I wan play. Maybe hmm if they go shopping again, I go buy another copy. If la. Seeing them all like pok, maybe they'd rather just curl inside blankets.
So for now, we chiong!!! I chiong so much til I let the game running while Dani-ing. So shiok watching the $$$ flows in like water. How come real life money isn't like that one? -_-;;
But then can only play when my brothers are not using the CD. How come this game can't fully install? Gay la. I wan play! Always wan CD. Blah. Hmm maybe later I try torrent see if got one can play without CD. But the risk is might got porn inside. Sigh.
Lol zzz mom still wanna talk Neopets with me? I know yesterday she chiong my account til got 20k NP. But then I got Zoo Tycoon meh, who wan Neopets anymore? My pets already got 'dying' status.
Zoo Tycoon time! HOOPLA!!!
Currently feeling: happy
| January 29, 2008 @ 10:48 PM | Add a Comment |
I was watching this Hindi film with my dad. It's called Life Mein Kabhie Kabhiee (which I'm not sure what it means, prolly 'My Life Sometimes..'?). Anyway, the film is an exploration of 5 friends, betting Rs200 on finding true happiness. Even tho this film is rated 2/5 in India, trust me, it's the BEST Hindi film I've ever watched. These Indians don't even enjoy the soundtracks which I love so much (especially Gehra Gehra) cuz the songs are not much Indianish that normally lasts for 7-10mins each. Well some people just don't wanna accept changes. The storyline is simply splendid, grats to Vikram Bhatt.
The main character seems to be Manish Gupta, a book writer. He narrates the whole story of him and his friends, like reading it from the book he wrote. To him, happiness means anything but sadness (since he was clueless at first, he just wanted to win the bet). He gets married, not rich but has a seksi wife. While struggling to gain more income, a daughter was born. At first he felt sorta unwilling to accept this child, but after seeing how his friends cuddling and holding her, telling him how lucky he was, he felt thankful to his wife Richa.
The next character is Rajiv Arora who believes happiness means success. He succeeded in being a business tycoon by turning his own brother into an arch enemy instead of a role model. However his brother, Sanjiv Arora, who happened to own 50 billion of money, never ever hated Rajiv or tried to bring him down. And one day Rajiv's share got decreased like huge in the stock market until he was almost declared bankrupt. Instead of seeking Sanjiv for help, he came to ask him to laugh with him for his loss, that he expected Sanjiv would be saying "I told you so". But then Rajiv got this contract that would win him some cash provided he was willing to help bringing down Sanjiv's company. Anything to make him better than his own brother.
And then there is Jai Gokhale, a politician. He believes happiness means power. Jai watched his dad committing suicide in the house because he couldn't let the law people handcuff him and drag him out of the house in front of his wife and kids. He said he was protecting his dignity, but still power won. Jai grew up with people pointing at him as a conman's son. The rage he had for his dad, he used to lift himself up in every political tricks. He cheated everyone he could, lied to the people, faked promises... anything for the power. He loves threatening other politicians with whatever details he collected about them. And he never ever helped any people because helping shows weakness which he would never be stood down to such. He would rather watch people die in front of him instead of calling for an ambulance. o_O
Monica Seth, on the other hand, thinks happiness means fame. She worked hard in becoming a celebrity. She was the aspiring actress. She loved the attention given to her. She liked being pretty. But then too bad, she fell in love with some ordinary guy who couldn't provide that 'happiness' to her. She cared about her career more than him. He was always honest with her, but she hardly told him anything about herself even after 6 years being together. And when she was offered a leading role of a film provided she sleeps with the producer, which she did, and didn't know her boyfriend Mohit (I forgot the name but I know Rohit is the producer guy.. hehe) figured out after some days cuz he saw with his own eyes, which resulted in cutting wrist. Ugh.
The last character is Ishita Sharma who believes happiness means money. She got married to this wealthy man called Raj who didn't appreciate marriage. She didn't either, cuz she was married to his money, not him. But then Raj started to flirt around which most rich guys would do, she realized this wasn't what she wanted from a marriage. However, she stayed as his wife because she wanted money, and yeah, she wanted to win the bet too. They were not granted kids, she lived alone in that house like a queen. Everything she wanted was there.
But then Monica's boyfriend committed suicide. She was in distraught. So many people asking her questions, zooming her, because it was unusual for a well-known person's boyfriend to die in such way. She couldn't take it anymore. She went telling the news that she killed him. She told them that she was popular because she slept with the producer. She said to her friends that she didn't deserve to win that Rs200. She failed in finding happiness.
This incident made Jai thinking. He decided to face everyone he had cheated on, and explained to them every lie he created. He didn't care anymore about losing his power, it didn't make him happy after all. He told Manish that he was losing the bet.
Rajiv felt uncomfortable with this. The only person he wished to see was his brother. He canceled the contract he made with those people who wanted to ruin his brother's business. Apparently, it was Sanjiv who put his company at risk to save Rajiv's. He asked those people to make that agreement. He said "If love can't help change Rajiv, then let hatred do it."
Ishita asked for a divorce from Raj. He threatened her, that if she left, she wouldn't get a cent. She said she was only married to his money. And getting divorced now means letting go of his money. And she didn't care anymore. She never loved him anyway. So let's find love somewhere else.
Seeing all this, made Manish feel grateful with what he already had. He got a wife and a daughter who loved him, and he loved them too, what could he ask more? This is the happiness for him.
So he wrote the book. And he thanked his wife to public, the person who actually provided him happiness in life.
Wahh so touching. Me and my dad was like wahhh... this Hindi film truly different from the typical dragging ones that got nothing but arranged marriage, a dad not letting his daughter follow her love, and then excessive fighting scenes o_O.
I rate it 9/10!! The best Hindi movie of 2007 that I've watched. I dun care about y'all, Indians!
Currently feeling: thoughtful
| February 1, 2008 @ 02:39 AM | Add a Comment |
Rinshay